THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears 100,000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. On a paper placemat in a New England restaurant appeared this advertising:

OLYMPIA COIFFURE - AFFORDABLE -
An Alternative to Looking Good.

One can assume the true meaning of this add.

The original message was not that clear:

Following are some advertisements which are amusing:

• Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the door man's hand will be admitted free. (Easter Service)

• LET'S ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER STATE FAIR. Leave your garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair.

• Widows made to order. Send us your specifications

• One Funeral Palour signed their letters with: "EVENTUALLY YOURS".

• TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap.

• WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German.

• Lost: small black poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in apetizing forms.

• Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

• Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!

• Wanted: Girls for stripping machine operators in factory

• Wanted: Women pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

• Dry-cleaners: We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.

• 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

• Great Dames for sale.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.

• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Lake Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots of women wear nothing else.

• We build bodies that last a lifetime.

• For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

• Man, honest. Will take anything.

• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required.

• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

• Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.

• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

• See ladies blouses. half off!

• Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

• Illiterate? Write today for free help.

• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

• Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating

• Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.

• Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

• Our Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

  Radio announcements

• Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a rediculous figure.

• Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

• When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

  HEADLINES

  
  
• MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

• PRISONERS ESCAPE FROM PRISON FARM AFTER EXECUTION

• SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITTED SUICIDE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO

• ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

• BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES

GO BACK TO INDEX

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THE RULE BOOK

1. The female always makes the rules

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification

3. No male can possibly know all the rules

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules

5. The female is never wrong

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset

12. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm

14. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void

15. If two females disagree about a rule, they are both right

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DISORDER IN COURT

• Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
  
• A: Borofkin.
  
• Q: What is his first name?
  
• A: I can't remember.
  
• Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first name?
  
• A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

• Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
  
• A: I refuse to answer that question.
  
• Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
  
• A: I refuse to answer that question.
  
• Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
  
• A: No.

• Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
  
• A: Yes.
  
• Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
  
• A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

• Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
  
• A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
  
• Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
  
• A: By death.
  
• Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

• Q: What is your name?
  
• A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
  
• Q: What is your marrital status?
  
• A: Fair.

• Q: Are you married?
  
• A: No, I'm divorced.
  
• Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
  
• A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

• Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
  
• A: My ex-widow said it.

• Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
  
• A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
  
• A: I will be three months November 8th.
  
• Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
  
• A: Yes.
  
• Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

• Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
  
• A: I used to be.
  
• Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
  
• A: Four times.

• Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
  
• A: No.
  
• Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
  
• A: Picking them up in the air.
  
• Q: Where was the dog at the time?
  
• A: Attached to the ears.

• Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  
• A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.

• Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
  
• A: Yes, sir.
  
• Q: Before or after he died?

• Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
  
• A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

• Q: What happened then?
  
• A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
  
• Q: Did he kill you?
  
• A: No.

• Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  
• A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

• Q: Have you ever been arrested?
  
• A: Yes.
  
• Q: What for?
  
• A: Aggravating a female.

• Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
  
• A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

• Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
  
• Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

• THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

• Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
  
• A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

• Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

• JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.

• Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
  
• A: Yes, she did.
  
• Q: Who did she say she was?
  
• A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

• Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
  
• A: Yes.
  
• Q: How long have you known him?

• Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
  
• A: John Fletecher.
  
• Q: That's you?
  
• A: Yes, sir.
  
• Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

• Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
  
• A: Yes, sir.
  
• Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

• Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
  
• A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

• Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
  
• A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

• Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
  
• A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

• Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
  
• A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of a gun -- and she did.

• Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because you feared for your life?
  
• A: Yes, I did.
  
• Q: Why?
  
• A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.

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HOW TO SUCCEED WITHOUT TALENT

• 1. Study to look tremendously important.
  
• 2. Speak with great assurance. Stick to generally accepted facts.
  
• 3. Avoid arguments; if challenged, fire an irrelevant question at your antagonist and intently polish your glasses while he tries to answer. As an alternative, hum under your breath while examining your fingernails.

• 4. Contrive to mingle with important people.
  
• 5. Before talking with a man you wish to impress, ferret out his remedies or current problems, then advocate them strongly.
  
• 6. Listen while others wrangle. Pluck out a platitude and defend it righteously.
  
• 7. When asked a question by a subordinate, give him a "have you lost your mind" stare until he glances down, then paraphrase the question back at him.
  
• 8. Acquire a capable stooge, but keep him in the backround.
  
• 9. In offering to perform a service, imply your complete familiarity.
  
• 10. Arrange to be the clearinghouse for all complaints--it encourages the thought that you are in control.
  
• 11. Never acknowledge thanks for your attention; this will implant subconscious obligation in the mind of your victim.
  
• 12. Carry yourself in the grand manner. Refer to your associates as "some of the boys in our office." Discourage light conversation that might bridge the gap between boss and man.
  
• 13. Walk swiftly from place to place as if engrossed in affairs of great moment. Keep your office door closed. Interview by appointment only and give orders by memoranda. Remember, you are a big shot and you don't give a damn who knows it.

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SUCCESS IS JUST LUCK ASK ANY FAILURE

What is success? This depends on the individual's outlook on life. It depends how you measure success, Is it money?, is it power? (both mostly closely connected), is it fame?.

There are millions of people who are successful. They are the fortunate ones who do what they like to do, when they want to do it. They enjoy their job - self employed or working for a wage. They get up in the morning looking forward to create something which is satisfactory. They may be moderately well off financially, they seldom get rich. However, they are the lucky ones who live a life of little or no stress.

Then there are those millions who are unsuccessful, they are next to purposeless because they don't need to produce anything. They are born into big money. They go to the best schools, have the best connections, play with their parents money, but in general are useless. Some of these people qualify very well for being in politics.

Those, trying half heartidly and ending up with the most disappointing results, are generally lazy. They are unimaginative without any great talent, but make up with an abundance of arrogance. This kind of human beings do believe that the world owes them a living. Money is their God. With an attitude like that, failure is almost assured. If monetary gains is the main driving force to achieve a goal, then the outcome of any venture is marked for failure. Characters like that usually do not have any compassion for anyone else. Most of them are self centered. As an added ingredient they are incompetent as well. Some may be intelligent, but certainly not smart. Unfortunately, people who are belonging into this category are mostly not well versed in financial matters. They are unable to budget, do not investigate how others persuing the same type of profession:) are managing. Gross arrogance mixed with incompetence is a bad combination for anyone trying to establish any kind of enterprise. A lot of these failures are completely unprepared for what it takes to finance an undertaking which involves material, labor and special equipment.

There is a big difference between failing in a business adventure because of special circumstances or because the participants did not investigate the pro's and con's. There are many people who fail because they underestimated the risks, but for their defense it has to be said that they had the vocational knowledge. People sometimes try again and then succeed. They are making use of their 1. failure to incorporate improvements into their second try. This is a healthy situation and these people have to be congratulated for their determination to succeed. Trying and failing is better then succeeding without trying. In my own observations, most successful entrepreneurs are HARD working, dedicated people. Years and years of studies, schooling and learning from others are the ingredients of satisfactory results.

And there are others. These clowns who are living on cloud 9, are seeing only the successes of others. They are envies of those who have combined good advice and common sense. There is no doubt in my mind succeeding in any kind of business - retail, arts, music etc. - takes serious preparations. It is usually a combination of creating and merchandizing. Another often overlooked item is money. If there is not a reasonable amount of money available for the startup and the first 6 - 12 months of the operation of a business, chances are that failure is likely.

The lesson to be learned is this: If you want to succeed in any kind of venture, KNOW YOUR STAFF. Investigate the odds of succeeding, don't shoot off your mouth with unbelievable and unsustainable promises. Overconfidence is the unfortunate behavior of fools.

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QUOTES WHICH MAKE SENSE

Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna, or it can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out.

Barbara Walters

The common idea that success spoils people by making them vain, egotistic, and self-complacent is erroneous; on the contrary, it makes them, for the most part, humble, tolerant, and kind. Failure makes people cruel and bitter.

W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

The moral flabbiness born of the exclusive worship of the bitch-goddess SUCCESS. That-with the squalid cash interpretation put on the word success-is our national disease.

William James (1842-1910), U.S. psychologist, philosopher.

There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top.

Peter Cook (b. 1937), British comedian.

Think of all the really successful men and women you know. Do you know a single one who didn't learn very young the trick of calling attention to himself in the right quarters?

Storm Jameson (1891-1986), British author.

There are two great rules in life, the one general and the other particular. The first is that every one can in the end get what he wants if he only tries. This is the general rule. The particular rule is that every individual is more or less of an exception to the general rule.

Samuel Butler (1835-1902), English author.

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955), German-born U.S. scientist.

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THE PRAYING PARROTT

Mrs. Smith inherited a parrot that swore. After several embarrassing experiences she told her minister about the problem. "I have a female parrot who is a saint," he said. "She sits on her perch and prays all day. Bring your parrot over. Mine'll be a good influence."

The woman brought Penrod to the minister's home. When the cages were placed together, Penrod cried, "Hi baby! How about a little lovin'?" "Great!" replied the female parrot. "That's just what I've been prayin' for!."

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