"Shaplonsky," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial?
Lawyer: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
Lawyer: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Laywer: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Shaplonsky, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Shaplonsky, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Shaplonsky. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
He went to the local park and sure enough he found a bench with 3 old men. He noticed that one of these man was jittery and could hardly hang on to his coffee cup. The one next to him wore thick glasses and a hearing aid. The third one was bald, had a long beard, his front teeth missing, the front of his pants soiled and was generally in bad physical condition.
The reporter asked the first person, How old are you? The answer was 86. Well, said the magazine man, you are reasonable well for your age. How did you reach that age? The old man said: I drank in moderation, smoked a little and was faithful to my wife until she passed away just a few years ago.
He then approached the second one, asking him the same question. The answer was 91. He never drank, never smoked and took vitamins and minerals most of his life.
He then spoke to the third man. How did you do it? The answer was: I drank a bottle of Canadian Club a day, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day and had a ball with women. I had sex several times a day for most of my life. And how old are you? the reporter asked, his answer was
"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!"
"All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, then."
Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the doctors office?
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened to your other ear?"
The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer up there?"
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!"
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother, who is still in the kitchen, heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.! "For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are annoyed about the two hour delay, please see the B#$%h in the kitchen."
A good-looking woman passed by this Indian and he raised his right hand and said, "Chance." The woman stopped for a moment, then said, "Wait a minute. I've read about Indians before, you're supposed to say 'How'." To which the indian replied, "I already know HOW lady, I just want a chance!"
A man came home and his wife came running up and said "Honey my
sewing machine broke can ya fix it?"< br>
He replied "Who do I look like Mr Singer!!!"
The next day he came home and his wife met him at the door and
said "Honey, my Vac Cleaner broke can you fix it ?"
He replied "Who do I look like Mr Hoover!!"
The next day the man came home and his wife said "Honey a nice
man came by and fixed the Vac and the sewing machine....He said I
could either bake him a cake or sleep with him"
The husband replied "what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Do I look like BETTY CROCKER?!!"
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics
They welcomed him to their community.
But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays.
So, when their neighbor, Receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbecuing some juicy steak, they
began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.
After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went
to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant -
You were raised Protestant -
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were
Disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house.
They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on
Fridays.
When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow -
You were raised a cow -
But now you are fish.
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and
that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "who
are you to question that woman's punishment?"
The Rich Man, very old and getting older, was thinking about his approaching death. He asked his friends for a favor after he would pass away.
"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.
Sure enough the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.
As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his feet.
The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess that I took some money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it."
The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, mama, dat other thing!"
"Oh, that's his trunk, son."
"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Uh, that's nothin'", replies the mother.
Undaunted, the boy asks his father. "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off
dat elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, daddy, dat other thing!"
"That's his trunk, son."
"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Oh, that's his penis, son."
"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"
"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"
A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the
cattle stations in the Northern Territory.
As they were driving along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station owner said, "That's
one of my prize Hereford heifers." The Texan said, "Shoot! That one wouldn't
even be weaned yet back in Texas!"
A little while later, the Texan pointed at a ram and asked what it was. The station owner said, "That's one of my stud
Merino rams." The Texan said, "Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my new born lambs back in Texas!"
By this time the station owner was pretty annoyed, and when the Texan saw a mob of kangaroos and asked what they were,
the station owner replied, Grasshoppers...Incredibly LARGE grasshoppers...
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.
I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.
"The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times.
The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times.
The sixth night, four times,
and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," wrote a parent. "Please execute him."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent," wrote another parent. "She was sick and I had her shot."
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.
Little Johnny came home from school one day and kicked a chicken. (He lives on a farm) His mother saw it and said "Johnny, I saw you kick that chicken and we're having chicken for dinner. As punishment you get no dinner tonight."
Little Johnny then went out to the barn and kicked a cow in his anger. His mother called him to the house and said "Johnny, I saw you kick that cow. You get no milk before bedtime tonight."
Even more upset, he went and sat on the porch. A while later his father came home and kicked the cat that was sleeping on the sidewalk. Johnny walking into the house and said to his mother, "Are YOU going to tell him or am I?"